Mashed Potatoes Anonymous

Dear Planet Earth,

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 21:06:24 GMT

Unless your postage stamp is an exact duplicate of a $100 bill your recipient is not going to notice and/or care. Just get the breast cancer stamps and move on with your life which is now that much shorter by the way.
xo!

Katamari as the life of a teenage boy

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 19:22:51 GMT

Bandai Namco Games unleashed a big surprise at Sony's PlayStation Premier event today in Tokyo with the announcement of an all new game from Katamari Damacy creator Keita Takahashi.

It's called "Nobi Nobi Boy" or "Stretch Stretch Boy". It's going to be something about a stretching worm-boy. If personal experience is any guide there will be no way to win this game. You'll just obsessively play it over and over and over and over again in secret until you can find someone else to play it with you.

Thu, 04 Jan 2007 19:10:22 GMT

We tried to catch Pan's Labyrinth on New Year's day but it was wicked sold out. Instead we made strangers nervous by staring at them for an hour and caught Curse of the Golden Flower. I hadn't heard anything about it but saw the trailer and witnessed the kung-fu-ness and I was set. It's totally like the Chinese serials though and not like a regular hollywood movie. Tons of Drama sprinkled with amazing fight scenes but mostly drama. About half-way through a lot of people in the crowd where starting to groan due to the movie's use of crying/sweating instead of face kicks for plot points. Americans need the face kicks. We're a face kicking people. I noticed a few people walked out before the end and the groaning became more vocal. Obviously based on this sampling of about 100 people, this entire country is not ready for the Serial Style. Face Kick Style will rule this land for many more generations as will Grown Adults Cutting In Line Style.

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 19:50:41 GMT

I've been using Slim Jims and combos to help me quit smoking when I go to bars. It's totally working so far and I'm sure my breath is awesome. Hopefully it won't just escalate into requiring large taco pizzas delivered to my igloo made of velveeta bricks.

P.S. The lovely ladies of Reptoids are playing Empty Bottle tonight with DOUBLE FULL STACKS. It's going to be insane. If you don't know what those are there's also going to be cookies and sex toys so you can get all your giftmas shopping done in one place.

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 21:47:58 GMT

So K-fed played for free here last night. I totally wanted to go but I couldn't get to it in time. I'm sure it was "off the hook!" and also "word!". Kids have the best slang. Anyways, Poor K. They tried selling tix at first but there obviously was a computer virus and then the price changed to $0. How's he supposed to pay for his new baby's corn rows? And now Britney is divorcing him? What he needs is a new name. That will help him with the next phase of his career. Then the other hobos won't make fun of him as much. Any Ideas? I'll start: Mayor Sloshy Three-Toes Pomade Breath.

Fri, 03 Nov 2006 20:30:01 GMT

There's going to be a Guitar Hero tournament on Sunday the 12th at Darkroom. You gotta pre-register if you want to compete. I'm looking at you Pam. Or you can just go and throw your underthings. I'm not looking at you, Alan Moore:

Also Beaver Fever is playing.

Fri, 20 Oct 2006 18:18:03 GMT

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia (AP) - A man has paid $54,300 for a car license plate bearing his surname, the highest bid in the country for such an item, according to a published report.

How is someone dumb enough to spend $54K on a license plate able to make $54k to spend on a license plate? I'm freaking myself out with that question. It should technically not be possible. Why is he succeeding when my business is failing? Never manage a kitten rock band.

Smooth is the new crack.

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 19:26:33 GMT

How many times can I watch something? It's been about 2 weeks now and I keep coming back for more. I had to share this with you. Every episode is genius. Genius like the time I thought I could walk across a pool's solar cover. That was a great day for science. Science and soiled bathing suits.

I'm totally not found.

Fri, 13 Oct 2006 19:20:17 GMT

I took the plunge and watched the first four episodes of LOST. I was getting tired of all the harassment of not being all on board. I have to say though it's not doing anything for me. Should I keep going? So far I only care about the dog. Please tell me that every episode starts being about how the dog stalks and eats a different cast member. That would make perfect sense.

Thu, 28 Sep 2006 18:38:59 GMT

I started a new blog so I can complain about the state of guy's clothing. Cool men's clothing is hard to find cheap. I eat like Slimer so I ruin anything of value very quickly. Plus I'm just too lazy to take care of things. My next blog will be for complaining about the absence in this society of manly bibs.

Rock fans: Reptoids are playing a really cool show tonight at Subterranean. You should go. I'll bring some beer cookies.

Wed, 20 Sep 2006 21:13:36 GMT

For the first time in my life I saw a preying mantis in the wild and it was on Franklin street in the loop. It was just standing there on the sidewalk next to all the smokers with the exact same distant look they had. You know the one. Like it was thinking about changing jobs but man how much that sucks to put yourself though. Just go for it, mantis! Don't think waiting until you already have another gig lined up will just happen on it's own. Sometimes you just gotta throw caution to the wind and open up that preying mantis cupcake cafe.

Thu, 17 Aug 2006 19:10:19 GMT

I decided to grow a handlebar mustache as my trophy for learning to solve Rubik's Cubes. I doubt anyone else will make the connection. That's totally ok. I can't stop laughing at myself whenever I see it in a mirror which is wicked fun. I also realized my girlfriend's band is playing a gay bar tomorrow. Last time we were there there was a TON of Rubik's solvers. I should bring my cube.

Tue, 01 Aug 2006 18:16:21 GMT

Apparently Unilever has decided to destroy America. I've yet to find a Fat Frog all summer. Unilever has quietly purchased Popsicle and Good Humor under our noses and although I have no evidence except my own sweaty frog-quests (two) to find them to confirm this, Unilever has maliciously destroyed Fat Frogs and ruined summer forever and are obviously Al Queda. It's actually been hard to even find an ice cream truck lately even though last year they seemed to outnumber cabs. I smell something terrorishy. They better not have also destroyed the Spiderman ice cream bars either. I need summertime foods with edible eyes like god intended. Why does Unilever hate god so much? Cabs should totally sell ice cream.

Wed, 12 Jul 2006 20:13:21 GMT

Girl on cell: So I woke up with a slice of pizza on my stomach again last night.

Does anyone know what she puts under her pillow to get this to happen?

I will pay you one billion dollars.

Nutrition is hard

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 21:21:42 GMT

Back to work. After a long vacation, I now have to return to the daily task of deciding where to go for lunch everyday. This is in opposition to a) sleeping until 2pm and thus avoiding the issue, b) getting up early for breakfast-candy and coffee and then napping until 2 or c) eating beer.

More whoring...

Wed, 14 Jun 2006 20:06:04 GMT

I've probably bothered all 3 of you to death with this already but:

SERENITY is playing on the big screen *as in 35mm print* for one night only next week on or around Friday June 23rd. It's for the very kick ass women's charity Equality Now. They are boots on the ground exposers of violence/discrimination against women.

It's playing globally so check for your city here and pass on the cool news to anyone you know that's likes Buffy or Battlestar. You know, other jocks.

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 20:36:16 GMT

I'm excited to see Al Gore's movie this weekend. I bought tickets in advance. To a filmed lecture. Slides. On Film. Plus Al Gore. And I'm excited. Did I mention I haven't seen the new X-Men yet? I'm still cool right? Crap. I should get a tattoo. Of Charlie Rose!

Wed, 24 May 2006 22:11:08 GMT

You know you're getting older when a nice haircut doesn't make you "look good" anymore and instead just makes your face look chubbier. I can start watching what I eat I guess but I think I'll just grow it back out and get a perm. Mr Brady knew what he was fucking doing.

Fri, 12 May 2006 17:22:58 GMT

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Every time Barbara Falk walks past a billboard for the movie "The Da Vinci Code," the elegant 50-year-old teacher who has been a celibate member of Opus Dei for 26 years wants to accost people to tell them "I'm normal."
"That's why it's hard to suddenly be thrust in the limelight and have all this crazy stuff said about you," said Falk, a "numerary" member of Opus Dei who chose at the age of 24 to live a celibate life in the service of God.

Um, get over yourself. It's fiction. Although I do have to admit I was upset when The Warriors came out. I mean we didn't wear such elaborate matching costumes guarding our turf. We just wore colors, you know? OK, we wore glasses. OK our turf was Waldenbooks. Anyways, I'm pretty sure there were no cops saying stuff like this at the release of Police Academy.

Thu, 11 May 2006 17:41:38 GMT

Last night Melissa and I watched her first Buffy together, Hush, and she liked it. Will robot battle-unicorns that make nachos and automatically download all my favorite shows from bittorrent while helping me to stop pronouncing library as "li-berry" start giving me rides to work next?

Tue, 09 May 2006 18:47:30 GMT

"Scientology is opening a "Super Power" training center in Clearwater, Florida. The Center will teach cult members who pay out how to enhance their powers of perception by using training techniques supposedly invented by founder and mediocre sci-fi hack L Ron Hubbard."

They need a good "graduate" to sell this. I nominate Doug Henning. I mean look at him. HE'S SITTING ON A RAINBOW! They could point from a picture of the "Before" Doug without the mustache to the "Super" mustache and just be like "HUUUUUH? SEEEEEE?"

Wed, 03 May 2006 19:39:00 GMT

I have to whore out for a moment. My girlfriend's band Reptoids have a chance to play Metro if they get enough votes here. Please go there and vote for Reptoids. Metro has enough stinky boys on that stage.

Tue, 02 May 2006 18:03:56 GMT

My girlfriend thanked me the other day for introducing her to sci-fi as we were watching Serenity. She's willing to give Buffy a chance now that she's seen what Joss can do. I just have to figure out which episodes to show her first that won't spoil too much of the major plot points but also show the kicking of the assing. I also have to figure out how to get rid of a 3-day raging boner from all this.

Fri, 21 Apr 2006 15:48:40 GMT

Smellperior still reigns. This is what it was like arriving at work and getting my coffee on: Waffle Cones, Shampoo, Ketchup, Doughnuts, Ketchup, Ketchup, Kool Aid power, Ketchup, Water, Coffee, Ketchup, Kool Aid power, Ketchup, Ketchup, Doughnuts. Why does my cube smell like doughnuts? I haven't worn that cologne in years.

Thu, 20 Apr 2006 20:34:05 GMT

My sense of smell has returned with a vengeance since I've totally quit smoking forever. It's super super sensitive. I can smell other smokers from across the room. I also smell something poo-like on occasion and keep checking my shoes. Always clean. Maybe my pockets?? I'm like a paranoid superhero now. Maybe the circus will finally accept my application. Also, your cell phone smells like new erasers if you've been wondering why it's missing.